'Tis The Season For Prom

I never went to my high school prom. I never wore my dream dress, danced arms-out robotically with some dude named Chad, and cried in the bathroom when Chad looked in the general direction of some skank named Amanda. In retrospect, I wonder if I cheated myself by opting to stay at home and watching Memoirs Of A Geisha with my mother instead of having that pivotal princess night. What's a princess night? I've never had a Bat Mitzvah, or Quinceañera, or Sweet Sixteen. Sweet Sixteen? Chinese people don't have those. We have No-Sweets-If-You-No-Get-1600-On-SATs. Perhaps I missed out on some life-changing experience that forever altered the course of events that would have led me to becoming a more complete person, kind of like how my mom didn't breastfeed me as a baby and caused me to have poor sense of direction. Yes, this is why I get lost all the time, I am sure.

Now that I think about it, no one even asked me to prom. Not a single person. In the words of Cee Lo Green, "Well ain't that some shit." This may come as a shock, but I was not always the magnificent creature you see today. Instead of turning heads with my high-end prostitute face and commanding a room with this ass that won't quit, I was a dumb teenager doing silly things like thinking, reading, and community enrichment projects. Those days are behind me now. I'm an adult and have my priorities in order. I have since blossomed into a stunning specimen with sophistication and charisma. I'm like a Chinese version of Paz de la Huerta but with a dash of Michelle Obama and the voice of Bruno Mars. Fuck you, Chad! I didn't want to stay at the Super Jumbo Deluxe Hotel with you anyway! Call me.

However, as I am still a struggling graphic designer, albeit a devastatingly handsome one, I have come to realize that my adult shortcomings stem from my lack of prom experience. Something magical happened that  night to all the happy shiny kids who went on to become happy shiny adults. Since I missed out on prom, I see it is only fitting that I recover what was lost. I must have my prom night so that I can be a complete person. Luckily, my sister Jenna's wedding is next week. That'll do. As maid of honor, I've already bought my ravishingly gorgeous dress and tailored it to a modest just-cover-the-ass length. There will be a DJ providing a magical soundtrack for the night so I can pretend to be Kevin Bacon and angry-dance all over the warehouse, er, I mean the country club. There are five groomsmen to the five bridesmaids for me to take my standard line-up-on-the-stairs photograph. I'm counting on  someone to put a hover-hand at my waist. My best friends will be present at the wedding so I can call Theresa a slut for getting to third base with her boyfriend while Jie cockblocks Chad all night. Of course my parents will be present because no prom night is complete without me crying a river of makeup down my face while screaming "But Daddy I love him!" I believe in my case I will yell, "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" because Chinese is a very delicate and subtle language. It will be a night to remember, my long awaited coming of age. I will wake up the next day optimistic, healthy, employed, and with chiseled side-abs. I will finally be a fully realized adult.