Upgrade My Body, Please

Serving food to the elderly community has taught me one thing; the human body is a machine. When one part ceases to function properly, it is completely normal to replace it with a new part. Organs, limbs, teeth, it seems these hospitals and clinics have them all. They may as well change the name of UT Southwestern to Lone Star Spare-Parts Wholesale Deluxe Superstore. Like any superstore, you can even use Groupons to purchase your body upgrades, except they call it "Medicare."  There must have been a Groupon sale for lung transplants recently because it's all the rage among transplants right now. You may even be able to get a BOGO deal on lungs at the rate they're giving them out. Like our beloved computers that require software updates and new operating systems installed regularly over time, our bodies too are eligible for premium upgrades and  installations. I've met a startling number of old men and old women who have undergone multiple procedures to keep their bodies chugging along with new parts. In the most unnatural turn of events, humans are becoming invincible.

From reinforced sets of teeth to titanium hips, old people are more and more resembling Frankenstein's monster. Their hodgepodge of human parts work together to sustain a walking, nightmarish creature from the Antiques Roadshow. Their numbers grow as modern medicine allows them to cheat death with greater and greater ease. I look out into the sea of old people munching on grilled salmon with their new teeth and twirling spaghetti with their Luke Skywalker 2.0 hands, and I think, "When I grow up, I want to be a cyborg."

With the elderly's internal systems looking like Steampunk contraptions already, I am certain that the fast progress of medical technology will give rise to a new race of human beings. Evolution will spawn an elite race of human and machine hybrids. They will be faster, stronger, but most likely drive slowly. There will be a rise of the machines. It will be very much like the movie Terminator: Rise of the Machines, only Sam Worthington will not be there to bother us with his sad excuse for an American accent. In the war between humans and cyborgs, one must choose a side. The question remains, will you choose to upgrade? When I reach this new coming-of-age, I know that my decision to upgrade will be the right one. In an epic war to be the dominant species on the planet, I will side with the octogenarian cyborgs because I want to win and I want to live. Also, because I just love Werther's Originals.

When I get my upgrade, I plan to install any function and application I might need to survive a war. Of course I will cover the basics for my old age, like titanium hip replacement, a full set of reinforced dentures, oxygen tank, and tennis balls on my walker. Then for my war gear, I will need to replace one of my eyes with a digital scope so that I can see when Christian Bale is sneaking around trying to shoot me. For defensive purposes, I will need to install some kind of automatic weapon. I will probably get an uzi for its portability and street cred. I also want some sort of weapon that I do not need to reload so I will probably add some retractable Wolverine claws on my hand. Adamantium, no less. Some other items I might need in future wartime include a vacuum cleaner, pneumatic drill, egg beaters, etc. As an old lady, I need to be prepared to destroy enemies and provide snacks. I'll need to install a refrigerator as well, but I'll probably settle for a slim and sexy mini-fridge. I don't want a full-size one spoiling my otherwise delicate physique. I would also like a Slurpee machine, but that would just be ridiculous. I need to stay practical in a time of war. My basic package is a pretty standard upgrade for my decrepit, obsolete, human body to be able to function smoothly and without assistance.