Target

I love Target. I do. I love it so much. Anytime is a good time to go to Target. Bored? Go wander around Target. Nervous? Target sells wine and beer. Heartbroken, because Darrel is sleeping with some bitch named Deltrese? Target sells matches, lighter fluid, and delicious snacks by Archer Farms. I myself have even ended up at Target on numerous date nights, because hey, I'm a classy dame, and my wife knows how to treat a lady. I know I'm headed for a good time when I see that red circle with the red dot in it. It's like the eye of Sauron. One does not simply walk into Mordor just as one does not simply walk into Target; it is recommended that one, rush, charge, scramble, or in my case, sashay into Target. There is no telling what fun fruit flavors and mysterious treasures I may find at every visit. By treasures, I mean things I do not need but gleefully purchase at unbeatable prices.

The Target symbol is indeed like Sauron's all-seeing eye. It looks into my soul and telepathically tells me, "You need this raincoat. Sometimes, it does rain in Texas. Buy this raincoat on Temporary Price Cut for only $20.88. What are you waiting for? They might run out. You can be the first in the Express Checkout line if you hurry." Suddenly I find myself with a raincoat on a hot, sunny day in the middle of Texas. I am also now hauling home a load of glitter-encrusted shoes, a gallon of shampoo, ice cream, booty shorts, General Tso's flavored potato chips, make-up, a flashlight, Bananagrams, and a box of cookies. I'm a monster.

I am indeed Frodo Baggins sashaying into Mordor. I always leave my home with a mission in mind. "I need to buy milk and bread. That is all. Just milk and bread." I enter Target, and suddenly I am unable to throw the ring into the fire from whence it was forged. I am hypnotized and believe that I don't just need bread, but I need bagels as well. And bagels are never complete without cream cheese. Oh hey, Target is having a special on cream cheese, so I should try chocolate and salmon flavor in addition to original. Hey, how about that milk? Organic is the way to go, but look at all these organic selections! Do I want low-fat? Am I a growing baby and need DHA Omega-3 in my milk? Well look, I can get low-fat milk with added DHA Omega-4 all in one carton! I deserve a prize for my wise decision. Hey, since I'm going to be so slim and sexy drinking this low-fat DHA Omega-3 milk, I should get myself a cookie to balance it out. Wow, would you look at this fucking cookie selection! You can smack my ass and call me Sally because Target is serving some Mrs. Fields realness up in here! I don't know what flavor to get so I'll just get a couple of each. I'm going to share them with friends. Yes, I'll share them. Bitches love cookies!

Several bouts of grabby-hands later, I find myself wondering what witchcraft has willed me to becoming the proud new owner of Sham-Wows. Where is Gollum when I need him? When I am reaching for that winter coat on clearance because it is the beginning of summer, I need Gollum to jump on my back and bite my finger off. It's the only way. I can't turn away from unnecessary items at reasonable prices. A day may come when I can enter Target and purchase only the items I need, but it is not this day. An hour of remorse and weathered credit cards when my bank statement comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day I shop! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, patron of Target.