Adventures With Eczema

My ecczema is pretty bad right now. Normally my eczema only acts up when I've been hitting the sauce too much and poppin' that ass too hard on the dancefloor. It likes to come out as a reminder for me to get some sleep. I usually have minor, dry patches that aren't very noticeable and don't even bother me that much. I like to pretend that they are wounds I sustained during my tour in 'Nam or that time I was moonlighting as a bodyguard and took a bullet for Whitney Houston. My past is painted in mystery, danger, and ballads whenever my eczema acts up.

There are no flashbacks to dodging bullets in the jungle or carrying Ms. Houston through a crowd today. No jollies to be had at all. I've woken up almost every night unwittingly clawing my skin off. I thought I was incubating a xenomorph with the way I was tearing at my chest. In regards to my last post, now would be the best time for that butter yellow onesie with the pre-installed, baby mitten covers. Like an enormous baby, I am a danger to myself. My eczema began on my neck and spread to my torso and even a few bits on my arm. I damn near pulled a Harry Osbourne and smashed the  mirror when I saw that it had spread to my face. Not the moneymaker!!! As a complimentary kick in the groin and a stab to the old ego, the ad agency I interviewed with last week did not contact me today as they said they would. I thought I had dazzled them at that interview, yet here I sit horrifically disfigured and unemployed. I'm inadequate. I'm out of shape. I'm a monster. You know that scene in The Fly when Jeff Goldblum's nose, ears, and other pieces of his body fall off? It's just like that, only I'm not a scientist. I'm unemployed. Jeff Goldblum is so lucky.

Since my eczema hasn't been this bad in years, I have taken this opportunity to try some home remedies. I've been using coconut oil as a moisturizer, and it has changed my life. I don't just spot treat with it though. I douse myself in it. I am marinating in its coconutty goodness. Literally, I use a tiny spatula to scoop the coconut oil out of a bowl because the original container is a gallon-sized bucket. It's too big for me to put on my bathroom counter and too small for me to sit in so I opted for a bowl with a tiny spatula. I'm not Kevin Costner anymore. Now I can pretend I am an enormous crustacean being prepared for a Hawaiian meal. Gone are the days when I exited the shower only to smell like soap and lotion. Now I smell like an Asian fusion dish. I love fusion food so I don't know how I'll ever go back. I'll probably go  back once this eczema clears up.

I've also tried pure aloe juice from an aloe plant. I read that aloe helps heal and relieve itching for eczema sufferers, and I had used it to treat burns since I was a kid. Feeling the spirit of Mother Earth, I snipped a branch off the aloe plant at home and prepared for amazing results. Wow that shit burned! I think it inflamed the broken skin that I accidentally scratched. I've since stuck to the coconut oil and occasional oatmeal mask.

One remedy that I've used for a few years now is an alcohol-free, aloe, and witch hazel toner. While it doesn't smell like a luau, it does help with the itching, and the lack of alcohol is less drying on the skin. I bought this toner because Patrick Bateman also uses products with "little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older." He's also a big Whitney fan which makes me think Patrick and I could be best friends if only he didn't kill women.

It's been about a week of demonic eczema and still no signs of it clearing up. So far it's been pretty easy for me to hide my decrepit body and mutilated face though. Having no friends and no job does have its perks! I've been keeping busy indoors and avoiding physical human contact. I don't want the villagers to find out and try to smoke the hideous creature out of the house. My parents wouldn't like the smell getting in the upholstery. I suppose I'll just have to look on the bright side and dream up new storylines that include this my disfigurement as a plot device. I could be Tommy Lee Jones' portrayal of Two-Face in Batman Forever! I already drink out of two glasses simultaneously so I'm halfway there! How exciting, I've always wanted to commandeer a circus, and bother Val Kilmer. This could be the beginning of an amazing chapter in my life. I could have so much fun in my head. I won't ever have to be around people or leave the house again. Oh God, someone call me please!!!!!!