The Rise of Valentine's Day Part I

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'm sure you and your significant other will have a delightful day expressing love for one another and feeling that warm sensation in your heart and in your pants. That is all good and well, but for me, Valentine's Day means one thing: the dinner shift at Ocean's Seafood and Grill. Tomorrow night, I expect to be bombarded by hoards of googly-eyed, happy, shiny people seeking a romantic evening. I can't even run away from my doom. In fact, I must do the complete opposite of run away; I have to cordially greet them and do my utmost to make sure that their evening is as romantic as it is delicious. If need be, I am prepared to dazzle them with my rendition of Celine Dion's "The Power of Love." There will not be a dry eye in the house due to the sheer magnificence of my voice, as well as to cataracts and glaucoma (our patrons are rather seasoned members of society). As I cater to their every whim and fancy, I am forced to acknowledge and dignify every question of,


"So do YOU have a boyfriend?"

"What are YOU doing for Valentine's Day?"

"What is this corkage fee, do you even know who I am, you sniveling imbecile in an apron?"


with a smile and speedy response that assures them that their night is not ruined, that they are winners because someone loves them and cared enough to join them for a seafood dinner special.

Am I bitter? No, I love all holidays. I find any excuse to celebrate and eat more decadently than usual. If I had my own kitchen I would even bake a Kwanzaa cake a la Sandra Lee, the whitest slice of white bread of a lady on Food Network. Holidays are about sharing happiness, and it just seems to me that Valentine's Day is the most obnoxious holiday that is exclusive and does not promote sharing. Share the love, people! I see people sucking each other's faces off like the facehugger in Alien, and not ONCE do they ask me if I want a bite.

Tomorrow night I am going to be giving my attention, giving my seafood recommendations, and giving a complimentary salad with every meal to these obnoxious facehuggers. I am going to be giving delicious plates of noodles to go with your incessant canoodling, and what will you give back to me? Empty plates! You probably won't even save me a piece! If it weren't for a juicy tip at the end of the bill, I would not hesitate to besiege you with my scorned and seething interpretation of One Republic's "Apologize."

With Valentine's Day looming its sweet, ruffly head tomorrow, I share with you my series of personalized Valentine cards, inspired by the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Not only do apes and I share DNA, but we also share similar feelings in regards to Valentine's Day.