Torrance Shipman Is Sad

Last night I watched the latest Lars Von Trier film Melancholia. It stars Kirsten Dunst as a woman suffering depression during the end of the world. Literally, the end of the world. The planet Melancholia is due to collide with Earth and destroy life on this planet. Ready the vodka, grab a towel, and pray for daylight. I don't think I'm spoiling anything, but don't read if you don't want to be spoiled.


My eyes were quite pleased with this film. The opening scene is very beautiful, showing a series of long shots in super slow motion where people and objects appear to float. Another of my favorite scenes is the last scene of the planetary collision where the lights get increasingly bright before finally destroying everything on screen. I mainly loved the sound editing of that scene because it begins softly, the arriving of destruction is almost inaudible. Gradually it grows to this overbearing and eerie hum coupled with an epic piece from Wagner. Simply terrifying. You can play the Melancholia hum with Wagner while I try to split a check without a calculator, and I will soil myself in fear.


The story in Melancholia is a little underwhelming and cliché. A normal white lady is sad. She also comes from a very rich family. Mindboggling! My mind is both blown and boggled! While I do think that Kirsten Dunst portrayed her character incredibly well, I think that she could have been written better. We never quite get to the root of her depression so she is a one-dimensional character throughout the story. For all we know, she could have been sad because some dumbass didn't split the check right at dinner. She had to pay what everyone else paid, but she only had soup. It's an outrage! I'm going to continue believing that this is the reason for her depression until Von Trier explains otherwise.


Another reason why I kind of hated Dunst's character is that she is selfish and spoiled. You know that bitch probably picked the restaurant that nobody else liked, and then she just ordered a cup of soup because there's nothing good on that damn vegan menu anyway. In the film, her sister (played by Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her sister's husband (played by Jack Bauer) pay for her lavish, fairy tale wedding. It's in a goddamnn castle, and she marries Swedish-Sycamore-of-a-man Alexander Skarsgård! On top of that, this girl actually has her very own pony that she beats the shit out of. That ungrateful  bitch. You know the acting is good when you learn to hate the character.


Prior to viewing Melancholia, I was warned of its tragic story and feared that I would  be subsequently depressed. Surprisingly the film left me invigorated and hopeful. I was damn near chipper this morning! For the past week I had been suffering my own depression. I seemed to have misplaced my wig. I was wary of seeing Melancholia for fear that I would identify with it, and thus it would send me to absolute Hamlet-style breakdown. I did identify with Dunst's character. She had been a copywriter at an advertising agency, and later she is promoted to Art Director on her wedding night. That's me! I'm currently trying to get into Art Direction and Design! Now I understand my future. I will be a sad, rich, white lady who beats up ponies. 


I decided to bend time and space and stop it  before it happens, like the Doctor but with more excellent eyebrows. This film woke me up. It showed me images of Dunst's character wallowing in cheerless misery over an ill-fated cup of soup and said to  me, "Don't do this! Don't be like this ungrateful bitch!" Yes yes, I read you loud and clear. Put on my pants and get over it. I would really appreciate it if other films had this inverse type of message, like Twilight. While we see teenagers engaging in mutually abusive relationships, it is telling us, "Don't do this! You see what they're doing? DON'T DO IT!"


Overall I recommend this Melancholia. I think that the media has sensationalized it as something avant garde and visionary. It's no unicorn, but it is still worth a peek.